Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading So sick and tired of all the needless beating
Profile Mariana, 240294. Fadzril's ever since 281209. I have amazing girlfriends. And a caring family. Tumblr. Facebook. Twitter Exits ♥Boyfriend♥ Nasuha♥ Shikin♥ Fadhlynn♥ Ary♥ Jiamin♥ Farah♥ Archives May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 Credits ©Glamouresque.	Monday, March 21, 2011 Why do i feel like i'm not needed in this world? It's like, sometimes my effort weren't appreciated by most people. Sometimes i feel like faking my death. To see who would actually cry when I'm gone. Or maybe i should just be dead. So that i won't created trouble. Biar syurga tak terima aku kalau aku bunuh diri, janji aku tak menyusahkan hidop korang lagi sudah. Sometimes putting others before yourself is fucking ridiculous. You put in effort in whatever you're doing for them, but they don't appreciate it. Thats why sometimes, i put myself before others. I like making people happy even if it means sacrificing myself for them. But not when they don't appreciate me. I don't know if you know this, i'm actually a weak person. I may be the person who tells other people to stay strong, but fuck, who am i kidding? i'm no better. im not mentally strong and i will never be. just a slight word from others mouth might hurt me deep even if the person doesnt mean it in the end. but to me, when you said something when you're angry, thats when all the truth comes out. it's like you kept it in you, and when you're angry, its just an excuse to say it. I've said some hurtful things when im angry, but thats how i feel and im sorry if it hurts you. So, twice i've been told that my behaviour is like an animal. I guess thats what people really see in me. A fucking animal with no fucking feelings. So i've been told that i'm heartless. That i put myself before others. Now you see the link? If people don't treat me right, i won't treat you right. Im saying this because i've lived for 17 years and i've experienced pain for the past years. I have feelings too. I've experienced people coming into my life, and within a few weeks, they left. All these are guys who are jerks. Call me desperate or whatever. I just wanted a guy best friend back then, just like any other girls. I wasn't really seeking for a relationship. I wanted to stay single since my past relationship didnt went so well. I wanted to have a boyfriend when i've finished my secondary school life. But there's only one boy out of the many, changed what i actually wanted. I dont know, maybe some people say that i'm an express student, why the hell am i dating a NT student. My boyfriend is not stupid. Even if he is, i'd still date him. Some may even think that i date him for his looks. I mean, why should i feel proud of myself just because i have a handsome boyfriend? No not worth it. Before we went steady, we contacted for about 2 months. Trust me, i was even jealous if he talks to other girls on tagged or whatever. Or when he's still thinking about his ex. I used to feel that he was using me to move on. I got so paranoid if he didnt text me for a day. Because i didnt want to feel used. Or when he says the number 13. He didnt tell me anything, but i know it meant something to him back then. We didnt really talked much actually. We always meet up with his friends. So most of the time im quiet. As much as i didnt want to meet him when he's with his friends, i did. Why? Just to see his face. I remembered he got pissed at me one day. When i think i said that he's irritating. And i thought that our relationship ended there. He was pestering me to go home. I didnt want to. I didnt tell him, but i actually wanted to spent time with him. Cause before that he was busy playing takraw so we didnt talked that much. And there was one time where he went to Sentosa with his friends, and I also went there at night. I texted him saying i was there and if he wanted to meet up for a while, but he didnt reply me. So.. i just ignored my phone and told myself not to expect too much from him. Sometimes, i wish our relationship was like when we're contacting each other. No fights and we loved each other. Honestly, i dont know where this is going. I just typed out whatever my heart wanted me to say. The reason why i picked Fadzril was simply because i love being by his side. You can tell by what i said. That i always wanted to meet him up. I still do. So does that answer you question, Muhd Fadzril bin Johar? Now things at home. I feel lonely. I have no one to talk to at home. I dont have a family day like other families. Im jealous of other's relationship with their parents whereby they can talk things to them. I cant. My parents dont come asking me after every paper, "How was your paper? Easy?" They don't. All my father does was to buy him food and scold me for being stupid and clumsy. That i always make mistakes. My brother is no better. I used to be so close with one of my sister. But ever since she entered secondary school, she began to avoid me. Hating me. She keep saying i'm a daddy's girl, that i'm a spoilt brat. You guys have no idea how much that hurts. Especially when all of that is not true. I want to say that i hate my family, but i dont know. I guess some has it worse. Bottom line, i got no one to talk to at home. I love my friends. Nasuha, Shikin, Diyana, Nafilah and Ariati. But i feel like we're drifting apart. I may be busy with my boyfriend but at least i put in the effort to actually have a meet up. And what's worse, them having new friends and thus, forgetting me and the rest. i just hope you guys wont. Sunday, March 20, 2011 No photos for today. I'm... not in the mood. Honestly, i don't know where to start. Sigh. I've been really down nowadays. It's hard to please someone even when you've tried your best. Especially when you're trying to do as they say, you got scolded for it. Don't you guys just feel that you're not enough for that particular person? I do. I know there are other people who are suffering with more problems than me. But does that really mean that my problems aren't important? This is why i hate sharing my problems with people. Cause sometimes sharing doesnt make my problems go away. It'll make me extra sad and thus, preventing me from sharing my problems. Since they keep saying that there are other who are suffering more, why should we even bother sharing our problems right? it's not like we're going to solve them in the end. In other note, i'm not excited for school. I mean, i want to be. But.. nvm. I've just registered for O levels just now. It cost over 300 bucks. I dont know if it's worth it though. Especially when it's only for two freaking subject. Ah okay bye
But baby, where they knock you down and out Is where you oughta stay