Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading So sick and tired of all the needless beating
Profile Mariana, 240294. Fadzril's ever since 281209. I have amazing girlfriends. And a caring family. Tumblr. Facebook. Twitter Exits ♥Boyfriend♥ Nasuha♥ Shikin♥ Fadhlynn♥ Ary♥ Jiamin♥ Farah♥ Archives May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 Credits ©Glamouresque.	Sunday, May 30, 2010 I had the most memorable monthsary last Friday. Didn't really spent time alone with him,but went out with his family too. Went to the hospital first to visit his garndma. Afterwhich, went to EastCoast to buy a huge feast, nah only satays and chicken wings, but there's alot. Bought bottle drinks too. Then headed to Labrador park. Headed home at 11+. Still enjoyed my day. I finished 3 sets of maths homework already, used up almost half the whole pad of foolscap. And at the same time, i tried understanding peribahasa. Tak pass lah. Tomorrow's the day, so today i'm going to revise Malay the whole day. Goodbye! Tuesday, May 25, 2010 Im a happy girl today. I finally get to spent the whole day with my boyfriend today. Okay, technically not the whole day, but you get what I mean. Im like so looking forward for this day again. Which i think will be on our 5month this friday. Hehhh how much time flies. So on Monday next week, I will be sitting for my first O level paper, Malay. Super nervous for paper 2, since i sucked at it. Hopefully Paper 1's expository writing would be easy. Monday, May 24, 2010 I had a sleepless night just now. I had two bad dreams. Ahhh fuck it. Before i went to school, bought blueberry tea. School was okay lah. Mother tongue was just going through kefahaman and a lil bit of surat kiriman. Geography was forever not productive for me. I keep talking to Nasuha. Chemistry was a breeze. I understood everything. Art was boring. Went to Jiamin's house for a while to take my exercise book. And went home after that. I feel so lonely today. No, make that nowadays. Nobody's home, boyfriend's out, friend's studying. I feel so lonely. Alone at home, not knowing what to do. Dont know where everybody is. I feel so lost. Sucks to be me right? Ohwell, i just don't want to interupt people. If they're willing to entertain me, than that's good. But there's not even sign of that. Ahh seriously just fuck it. Hm. I think I can conclude that I had the worst May ever. From my point of view, everything seemed to have crumbled. So have I. I really need my boyfriend to be with me. & I hope all of this will end soon. Oh well. 4moredays okay b. Hopefully, it'll be one whole day, i'm with you, and you're with me. Just like old times. And Wednesday, i've booked you. Pleaseeeee don't go back on your words, unless it's something really important. I missed you, and you know that right? Fadzril. Wednesday, May 19, 2010 Hey, i've just reached home from school. It's 4:15pm now. I had a new timetable which supposedly to end my day at 2:45pm, but since we're only to see Mr Raj for 2hours in two weeks for maths lessons, he decided that it's best if we stayed back a little longer. Next lesson is on Tuesday, and we will be ending at 4pm. Mother Tongue Intensive lessons was fun today, many laughters in class. Art was torturous, all i did was edit my pictures and facebook. Got back English results today, and i managed to pass overall. Which means i've improved my two languages by passing both subjects. Nothing much happened today, and nothing much will be happening later. I'm going to study soon, and maybe read a book if i have some free time. Not meeting boncet boy later. Ohwell, just hope he's free on every 28th. Idk why, whenever i'm not with him, i get jealous when i see couples so loving with each other. Won't be meeting him that much now due to some circumstances. I'm hell sure that i'm going to miss him alot. I'm already missing him now, it's been two days since we've last met. Yeah, things changed. But i hope it's for the better? I'm still patient. 9 more days to lucky number 5. Tuesday, May 18, 2010 Im kinda happy with my marks today, though i didnt score well for most, but i did improve alot. Art from 22, i got 43 for midyear. Malay from a fail grade, to a C6. not only that! I failed my Paper 2 malay, but i did very well for paper 1. 44/70. hehhh. Maths is still the same i think. an F9 i presume. Gonna practise hard for emaths like last year. I only got back those 3. I didnt get back my geog paper as Ms Tok didn't come. So during geog i had nothing to do, so i listened to Mr Yim's teaching. Mother tongue was super funny! Mcm mcm name sia dorang create. most are mats and minahs name. Assembly i sat at 4e2's line, and Mdm Norsiah called me an illegal immigrant. HAHA. Went straight home. Now waiting for this boncet boy of mine to finish off his PTC. Hope he can meet me lah. No plans for the 28th. But hopefully for the next 28th there is, insyallah if we're still together, half a year. nyet. Kay bye Monday, May 17, 2010 Hiiiiii. Midyear had past, and it's a confirmation that i can kiss my DPA goodbye! Now i can only rely on myself to do well for the actual Olevel. I'm so screwed man. With things going on around me, i swear i'm fucking stressed up. FAMILY, school, relationship. With the most recent conflict going on between me and my brother, i didnt had the mood to do anything. But i'm glad that i told at least someone about it. Put that matter aside. now school, another thing that is stressing me up. Even though i dread going to school everyday, i still want a better future. i just don't want people to expect too highly from me. Pressurising much? And since Malay O's are coming in 14 days time, i shall start reading malay books. Practise as much peribahasa as i can. do alot of practise papers. Now, relationship. not much problem, just have to compromise, understand, and be patient. I dont want to our relationship to be lack of understanding and patience. So I shall think of the consequences before doing something. Shall think of what people would feel before doing something. Be in their shoes first before getting angry. i'm gonna be a person with brains and character. For now, i'll MIA. Goodbye (Y) Wednesday, May 12, 2010 I feel different today. I dont know how, but i did. I had a nice time sleeping during amaths paper just now, three teachers just had to wake me up. but i slept back. I slept like a pig, cause i didnt realise got mistake in one of the question till the paper ended. after paper, headed to ws with shikin and diyana, then walked home. i realised i havent been spending time with my friends. i'm always at home, or with my boyfriend. i'm sorry for that. but now since he's always with his friends, i think i should be with mine. I miss hanging out with Nasuha, Shikin, Nafilah, Diyana, Irfann, Acaap, Syafiq and the rest. It's been a while. Since now his friends are ending his day, i think my friends should end mine. Is it fair? I dont know. But seriously, suddenly we meet rarely, but i cant blame him for wanting to spend time with his friends. i just hope on our 5th month there wont be any interuptions. if there is, then i shall be a sad girl for the rest of my life. Fuck, i miss him terribly. I dont know, i feel that my life is hanging on a thread. But i shall be patient. For now, seriously FUCK THE SHIT OUTTA ME. I've changed, i know. With things going on lately, how can i not? Urgh, bye. Tuesday, May 11, 2010 Hmmm. Add maths and Practical today. i think screwed both. There's still another round of add maths tomorrow, and maths the day after that. Friday's the last day of exam but i am not gonna stop studying. Olevel starts in three weeks time, the first paper at least. Super anxious. I shall not procrastinate. Most probably will be out studying, be in school or at home. Im not in the mood for fun, games and laughters. Call me boring all you want, i want to have a better future, being a freeloader ain't gonna get me anywhere. i shall work hard and prove them people wrong. i dont fucking care if i'm not happy while doing the process, cause i'll know that it's gonna be worth it. (Y) Fuck my life! Hehh Monday, May 10, 2010 I didnt had a good monday. I only had an hour and a half to sleep, I think i screwed both my papers today, I didnt meet my boyfriend for the third day in a row, Amaths killed the fuck out of me, I want to sleep but i want to wait till my boyfriend gets home so i can talk with him and more to list down. Therefore, today is not a good day for me. I even cried twice today. One during maths paper, and the other when I was revising Amaths. Is it because of maths? Nah i'm just a sad person who thinks too much. Not sure if i'm meeting my boyfriend tomorrow. But if he's meeting his friends, like i said, i dont want to interfere. I really do miss the times when we spent the whole day with each other. Hah, i looked at my twitter's profile picture. And it reminded me of my boyfriend. It was taken during halloween time. At that time, we were under the void deck lah. But the day is the most important. It was the last day of school! And me and my friends went to downtown. And i remembered seeing my boyfriend with glasses. And i remembered i said to nasuha that he looks cute wearing glasses. hehehe. Then on my way back home, i was with syafiq gay, then we bumped into each other. then we exchanged smiles. He was with his glasses still. Aku cair sia kat dalam. hehehehe. i still remembered the day he asked for my number kay. Oct 26. I remembered our first kiss. 3rd November. First time we decided to meet. 1st November. That day was also the first time he held my hand. cause at that time we were walking at swamp. then he asked if he can hold my hands since he was afraid. Inside me i was smiling cheekily. December 27 was the first time i met his family. I remembered cause it's the day before we're official. I met his dad, his brothers, cousins, aunts, you name it all. He invited me to their outing to Marina Barrage. Then after sending off his aunts, cousins and all, me and his family(father and two brothers and obviously him) went to vivo(if im not wrong). Went to toys r us. Yes i remembered it all. And i remembered when was the first time we said I love you to each other. It was at Clarke Quay. I kinda forgot the date but i'll regain it soon. He was like, say you love me. I didnt want to say it. Till we reached the station, he say it again. and I said it. we were hugging, more like having our hands around each other's waist. he said i love you back, and we kissed. hehehe. his breath was smelly cause he was drinking before that, but i didnt care. Remembered we tonned with each other twice, one during countdown, the other was during march holidays. I even remembered when we first kissed in the rain. It felt super cute laaah. It was near my house, at the playground. We wanted to go somewhere, it was raining, then we stopped and kissed each other under the rain. And also on another day, we hugged each other in the rain and was drenched. We were having some technical difficulties at that point of time, and we didnt care about the surroundings, i dont know about him but i know i didnt. He was my first valentine, even celebrated my first valentine with him. Though many shops were closed due to CNY season, I still enjoyed my day with him throughout. And he was there for me during my birthday, though i had to come home late due to the oral stuffs. I was glad i was able to meet him on my birthday, all i could've asked for is to see people i love, happy. To think back, i really do not need all those cakes, presents and wishes. Cause as long as i get to fulfilled my own wish, i'm happy. I also remembered the time where I sacrificed my tutorial just to take care of him. He was really sick, and i came over to his house to look after him. I'm glad i did, cause I was able to see him and even take care of him. I just love him too much. I miss him more. I dont know if we're meeting later since he's meeting his friends. Oh well, i'll just wait. I'm not gonna sleep tonight. I feel so fucked up, i dont know why. 21 more days to my first O level paper, how great is that. And it's one of my weakest subject. Nothing in this world is going my way. I'm too patient damn it. There's too much thinking going on in my mind right now. Fuck lah, i need my boyfriend lah. He makes me happy. But i dont even know where the hell is he. He's busy with his friends i guess, i can't blame him and i cant do anything. I mean, i can't always expect him to be with me everyday right. He has friends of all genders who wants to spend time with him and i cant be selfish. Even if i'm jealous things would still be the same. So i might as well just ignore whatever stuffs that's gonna make me jealous. There's no fucking point. i don't even know what i want to do right now with my life. I cannot be independent. Fuck myself! I'll get paranoid over the smallest things. My life is meaningless. All i want to be is a proud fat person who gets to eat the most delicious foods the world got to offer and not care about what people thinks! I really cant face my problems as a challenge anymore. I realised that i'm too weak. No i'm not being a pessimist, but it's a fact. Ahhhhhh stupid fag i just lost myself yet again. Sunday, May 9, 2010 I'm feeling lazy today. Cause I dont feel loved today. Where's everyone? I miss my boyfriend. This week's the least number of days we met, only three days. It's less than half a week! Fuck. Nak jumpe hari hari lagi boleh tak? I miss those times, seriously. But i shall not interfere if he's busy with his friends. I'll keep busy with my studies. In my life now, it's either him or my studies for me to spent my time with. No, my friends and family are not my backups. I just dont want to lose him, or jeopardize my future. Is anybody reading? I hope you are. I need someone to be there for me. Oh wait, i have. My lovely boyfriend, and my 5 wonderful girls. Bye Saturday, May 8, 2010 Today, i tried putting myself into your shoes. And to reflect on what i did to you, yes i did made a mistake. I should've told you from the start. Though we decided to let this matter go, I'm still really am sorry. I would have been hurt if it was the other way round. To the woman who have brought me up till this very day, and still doing so, I would like you to know that I've appreciate every single thing you have done to get the best out of me. You have been patient to my utterly rude behaviour i may have shown towards you. For that, I thank you, and a very Happy Mother's Day to you, Siti Sinesah Bte Sahdan. Only god knows how much i truly love you and appreciate you. Call me whatever you want, but all i need to hear before either one of us goes to bed, is a simple I love you. I'll smile in my sleep. Today, it didn't happen. I screwed both my papers yesterday, especially Physics. I turned the page, did my first question with confidence, turn the page to proceed on to the next question, and i went FUCK. Browse through the paper, and i was like, WHAT THE FUCK?! I did a handful of question. There's even one of the question, asking What is one similarity between all the electronagnetic waves(something like this), and i simply answered, they are all electromagnetic waves. GRRR. Hopefully i'll do well for Practical and MCQ. Ohyes, I did the physics paper in less then 40 minutes, and i slept. Gerek sia! The strong fan was directly infront of me. Ohwell. Wnt home after that, i thought of sleeping but i cannot sleep and i was bored at home, so i went to Baby's house. Around 5 going to 6, I went off to whitesands to meet Shikin, Nasuha, SyazzyWanny, Fie, Hakim and Dzul. And some more other people which comes and go. Most went off. Met baby and wan. Proceeded to dte. Ahhhh kat ntuc aku kecoh ngan b. sepak sane, sepak sini. Went home 9 plus. I have a dream car. It's the Honda Civic Si Coupe designed by Paramore! I wantttttttt. Kay bye Thursday, May 6, 2010 When can I spent the whole day, just with you, again? With no interuptions or whatsoever. I just miss those moments. So today I had my Geography paper. I shan't say it was easy, but i manage to do ALL questions and i answered them with confidence. Usually i would answer each question like around 3 to 4 lines, and only use one paper. But today i fully used two papers, both sides filled up! OMG IM SO PROUD I DIDNT EVEN CHEAT. Kay i admit class test i cheated cause it was so damn easy to cheat hehehe. Paper ended around 9.40am, luckily it wasn't that hot. Reached home ahhh did my usual stuffs and went out to fetch Baby! Pegi rumah dia tido, penat. Aircon tak gune sangat, tetap berpeluh hahah. Sad part is, i had to go home cause he got some errands to run with his friends. Sedih tapi takpe lah. Dapat jumpe dia juga. Dalam bus nak balik, got this boy behind me, crazy. Keep singing and talking to himself. Irritating. And i bought my pens already. My pen ink almost ran out just now. Nasib ade extra pen, fuhh. Dah ah aku mendak lah tak tahu ape lagi nak buat so aku nak belajar Social Studies mcm cb. benci! Dah bye Wednesday, May 5, 2010 I did my English paper 2 with breeze, till i get to the summary part. I struggled, trying to find as many key points as i can. What's done is done, berpasrah ah, dah buat sungguh-sungguh. Malay paper 2, heheheh, i did it like both my eyes were close. Malas ah. Right after my paper, I went over to MY baby's house to spend time with him, after three days of not meeting up. Okay lah, i nak study Geography, besok paper habis kul 9.30am, balik, teros amek satu orang ni yang ade normal lesson besok hehehe. Kay bye Tuesday, May 4, 2010 I dont need anyone's entertainment, all i want is to be with you. my wish is not his command. i feel useless, hopeless and lost. i gotta start facing the fact that i'm not special in anyone's eyes. i cant even eat normally. my tummy doesnt work when i feel so... dejected and rejected in the world. i cant even sleep properly. every 5 min i would wake up with sweats all over my body, heart pounding and wishing it is not reality. i dont want people to correct me of my feelings. this is how i feel,and you people should understand it. Right now, all i feel is that, i'm falling without even a struggle and with no one's rescue. Goodbye. What in the world is happening? Fine, no matter how hurt I am, I cant bear to see other people hurt other than myself. But maybe for once, I SHOULD be selfish. But I've tried so hard, but i guess it's not good enough. Life is never easy. Ups and downs like a twisted roller coaster, with obstacles in the way. I hope that whatever those obstacles in my life are, it'll be worth a lesson learnt rather than a moment wasted dwelling on. But like wtfffff, i can't deny missing my Boyfriend. It's been 2 to 3 days since we've last met, and i swear it hurts alot, cause we used to meet everyday. I missed him so much, that during Art, i painted something to remind me of him. His name and the number 6. I miss him alot that I cant concentrate well. When is this ever gonna end? :'( Monday, May 3, 2010 My life is crashing down. I'm not happy, I was never happy. Time to fake a smile, fuck that hurts. Shall i give up in life? No i shall perservere. Am i losing the one i love? HELL NO i'll doing whatever it takes to keep them here with me. But right now, i'm too weak to do anything. My confidence is low for the time being. Wait, it has always been low. Only he gave me hope, but why do i keep thinking that i'm losing him? I really dont want that to happen. He's all i got. He means everything to me. Im a coward cause Im afraid of everything in this world, especially losing him. Sunday, May 2, 2010 So i've decided to changed back to blogger. Imma fickled kid, what do you expect? Exams had started, so its time to burn the midnight oil, and hit the books. Technically, exams had started as the first paper was done. But the next paper will be resumed back on Wednesday. I screwed up my language Paper 1, both of them i think. But i really like my storyline for my english essay. I exceeded the number of words by 121 words. And somehow, i prefer to do my exams in the hall rather than in class. Despite the heat, I can concentrate better in the hall, and I didnt even fall asleep. There's still lots more paper to dwell on anyway. I've planned to back away from Art for a while. Since i've already decided how to display my Final Artwork. But shucks, i need to do some major editting to the pictures. MALAS! Dah lah, aku dah lah rindu Fadzril ni, entah die hilang kemana dengan family die. Rinduuuuu lah. Kay i want to start studying already. Im going to study Geography for the paper on Tuesday.
But baby, where they knock you down and out Is where you oughta stay