Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading So sick and tired of all the needless beating
Profile Mariana, 240294. Fadzril's ever since 281209. I have amazing girlfriends. And a caring family. Tumblr. Facebook. Twitter Exits ♥Boyfriend♥ Nasuha♥ Shikin♥ Fadhlynn♥ Ary♥ Jiamin♥ Farah♥ Archives May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 Credits ©Glamouresque.	Monday, March 21, 2011 Why do i feel like i'm not needed in this world? It's like, sometimes my effort weren't appreciated by most people. Sometimes i feel like faking my death. To see who would actually cry when I'm gone. Or maybe i should just be dead. So that i won't created trouble. Biar syurga tak terima aku kalau aku bunuh diri, janji aku tak menyusahkan hidop korang lagi sudah. Sometimes putting others before yourself is fucking ridiculous. You put in effort in whatever you're doing for them, but they don't appreciate it. Thats why sometimes, i put myself before others. I like making people happy even if it means sacrificing myself for them. But not when they don't appreciate me. I don't know if you know this, i'm actually a weak person. I may be the person who tells other people to stay strong, but fuck, who am i kidding? i'm no better. im not mentally strong and i will never be. just a slight word from others mouth might hurt me deep even if the person doesnt mean it in the end. but to me, when you said something when you're angry, thats when all the truth comes out. it's like you kept it in you, and when you're angry, its just an excuse to say it. I've said some hurtful things when im angry, but thats how i feel and im sorry if it hurts you. So, twice i've been told that my behaviour is like an animal. I guess thats what people really see in me. A fucking animal with no fucking feelings. So i've been told that i'm heartless. That i put myself before others. Now you see the link? If people don't treat me right, i won't treat you right. Im saying this because i've lived for 17 years and i've experienced pain for the past years. I have feelings too. I've experienced people coming into my life, and within a few weeks, they left. All these are guys who are jerks. Call me desperate or whatever. I just wanted a guy best friend back then, just like any other girls. I wasn't really seeking for a relationship. I wanted to stay single since my past relationship didnt went so well. I wanted to have a boyfriend when i've finished my secondary school life. But there's only one boy out of the many, changed what i actually wanted. I dont know, maybe some people say that i'm an express student, why the hell am i dating a NT student. My boyfriend is not stupid. Even if he is, i'd still date him. Some may even think that i date him for his looks. I mean, why should i feel proud of myself just because i have a handsome boyfriend? No not worth it. Before we went steady, we contacted for about 2 months. Trust me, i was even jealous if he talks to other girls on tagged or whatever. Or when he's still thinking about his ex. I used to feel that he was using me to move on. I got so paranoid if he didnt text me for a day. Because i didnt want to feel used. Or when he says the number 13. He didnt tell me anything, but i know it meant something to him back then. We didnt really talked much actually. We always meet up with his friends. So most of the time im quiet. As much as i didnt want to meet him when he's with his friends, i did. Why? Just to see his face. I remembered he got pissed at me one day. When i think i said that he's irritating. And i thought that our relationship ended there. He was pestering me to go home. I didnt want to. I didnt tell him, but i actually wanted to spent time with him. Cause before that he was busy playing takraw so we didnt talked that much. And there was one time where he went to Sentosa with his friends, and I also went there at night. I texted him saying i was there and if he wanted to meet up for a while, but he didnt reply me. So.. i just ignored my phone and told myself not to expect too much from him. Sometimes, i wish our relationship was like when we're contacting each other. No fights and we loved each other. Honestly, i dont know where this is going. I just typed out whatever my heart wanted me to say. The reason why i picked Fadzril was simply because i love being by his side. You can tell by what i said. That i always wanted to meet him up. I still do. So does that answer you question, Muhd Fadzril bin Johar? Now things at home. I feel lonely. I have no one to talk to at home. I dont have a family day like other families. Im jealous of other's relationship with their parents whereby they can talk things to them. I cant. My parents dont come asking me after every paper, "How was your paper? Easy?" They don't. All my father does was to buy him food and scold me for being stupid and clumsy. That i always make mistakes. My brother is no better. I used to be so close with one of my sister. But ever since she entered secondary school, she began to avoid me. Hating me. She keep saying i'm a daddy's girl, that i'm a spoilt brat. You guys have no idea how much that hurts. Especially when all of that is not true. I want to say that i hate my family, but i dont know. I guess some has it worse. Bottom line, i got no one to talk to at home. I love my friends. Nasuha, Shikin, Diyana, Nafilah and Ariati. But i feel like we're drifting apart. I may be busy with my boyfriend but at least i put in the effort to actually have a meet up. And what's worse, them having new friends and thus, forgetting me and the rest. i just hope you guys wont. Sunday, March 20, 2011 No photos for today. I'm... not in the mood. Honestly, i don't know where to start. Sigh. I've been really down nowadays. It's hard to please someone even when you've tried your best. Especially when you're trying to do as they say, you got scolded for it. Don't you guys just feel that you're not enough for that particular person? I do. I know there are other people who are suffering with more problems than me. But does that really mean that my problems aren't important? This is why i hate sharing my problems with people. Cause sometimes sharing doesnt make my problems go away. It'll make me extra sad and thus, preventing me from sharing my problems. Since they keep saying that there are other who are suffering more, why should we even bother sharing our problems right? it's not like we're going to solve them in the end. In other note, i'm not excited for school. I mean, i want to be. But.. nvm. I've just registered for O levels just now. It cost over 300 bucks. I dont know if it's worth it though. Especially when it's only for two freaking subject. Ah okay bye Thursday, February 10, 2011 Hey baby. I don't know how to say this but here goes. Firstly, i miss you fat pig. 3/12 days had past. I really need you by my side. This is like, by far the worst two weeks ever, without a doubt. If only my cousin isnt gonna marry this weekend, we would be planning to meet already. 2 weeks, not having to hug you, hold your perfect hands, take pictures with you. Every time i say, "Nak amek gambar!" you'll always reply me with "Alah.." Hahaha, i miss that b. And each time you finished eating. you would rub your tummy, and then grab my hand and put it on your tummy so that i would rub for you. And whenever we sit at TB, i'll always ask you to sit behind me just so you can hug me from behind. I love it when you hug me from behind. And whenever we go up or down the escalator, i would be on the higher step than you and would turn to you and hug you. I really miss you. I hope the next 9 days would past by really quick. And i cant wait to spent my birthday with only you. I love you so much, baby. Saturday, January 29, 2011 My classmates from 2009 till 2010. Yeah, i missed them alot. Though we had some tough moments in between. Im realy glad i was a part of them. Soon enough in april, most of us or maybe all of us are going to different schools and courses. Im sure as hell gonna miss them. And my next academic life, although i was disappointed where i ended up at, Im still determined that i can go to university one day. Yeah, thats my goal. I have quite a number of friends who are going to the same school as me, and also the same course as me, and of couse im elated as there's going to be familiar faces arounds. Faces.. i don't know where Im going to put my parent's face though. I've disappointed them so much. Too much to be exact. From psle till O levels. I guess i will never be as good as my sisters, the clever ones. While me and my brother are the lazy ones. sigh. But hey, im going to prove to them that i will make it one day. Im excited for school. Not really excited to meet new people though, i admit i can be quite anti-social. But im more keen to the new things that im going to learn. I mean, i got into a business course for crying out loud. There's so many things of it that i don't understand, and im going to learn it once i started schooling. I still wanted a media-based course though, damn. Monday, January 17, 2011 Us during our one year anniversary. I love my boyfriend. But i really hate it when we fight. I know most of the time I started it, sometimes i really didnt mean to, and sometimes I'm really pissed with you and that causes us to fight. Whatever it is, I'm sorry. Sunday, January 16, 2011 Last five days was really hard for me. Really. With no supports from my family. Even you. Now i don't even know where to go. I can't please anyone. Not even you. I even have thoughts of dropping school forever. I seriously cant make anyone proud. You guys expect way too much from me, and it's giving me too much pressure for me to handle. No point of me being in your lives anyway. All i do is disappoint you people. And you. I dont know what the hell you want from me. Its fucking hard for me to even decide where to go. And it's all because you're fucking selfish. Sure, you're afraid to lose me. But cant you just accept that i failed in my life and i cant go to the place the you and I both want. Urgh forget it. I;ll just quite school and be a housewife in the future. Even though thats not what i dream to be. Bye photography, im dropping you for good. Friday, January 7, 2011 I don't know where to start. I really don't. My life had officially went rock bottom. It almost feels like i'm left with absolutely nothing at all. I've lost you. I can't believe i'm saying this, but i really hate my life right now. Yes, i've had suicidal thoughts before. Cause i feel like i'm almost invincible to all. I feel useless and worthless. It's like my presence is meaningless to you people. The way people are treating me, i feel that way. You. This tug of war between the two of us, i can't take it anymore. I'm holding my white flag of surrender. I admit defeat. I don't want to fight anymore. I need you. Here. I hope you'll be reading this in the morning when you wake up. I'd really wish we could start afresh. Sometimes, i wish we could forget our past easily. It's the past that's been eating our relationship alive. Our boat is sinking, baby. And that's the last thing I want something to happen. I still need you in my life. Being with you is really pure bliss. Happiness. If you want to know why i'm still with you, go to my facebook photos. Go to the album, cinta sejati(true love). Take a look at the first photo. The caption says it all. The reasons why I'm in love with you, and still holding on to you. I can't let someone who made a big impact to my life, go just like that. We've yet to experience things together. I know i've said hurtful things to you when i'm mad, but you should know that i don't mean any of those things. The only thing that I regret now, is to exist. If i didn't exist, you wouldn't be in this state. It's 3am, and i still can't sleep. Thoughts of you keeps lingering in my mind. My mind just cant seem to be at rest. I hope you'll come back soon. I'll wait for you under my block on January 10 when you promised me you would accompany me to take my results. Love you so much. I shall eat now. Nothing seems right anymore. Goodbye. Thursday, January 6, 2011 Cutting my hair in progress. Happy? Made this just now in the afternoon. Love you Fadzril. To know what Im feeling whenever, go to my tumblr, you'll know everything. flickedtimes.tumblr.com Wednesday, January 5, 2011 I miss my boyfriend so much. Second day of not meeting, and it totally sucks. And now i can't even meet him. I'm bummed. Seriously. Since i've nothing much to do, i've decide to walk down the memory lane of my love life. Yaaaaah it's only been a year, but you know, so many wonderful things happened in between. I'll start from the beginning. Haha, this was our first ever photo. Wayyyyyy before we even got together. So tiut. And I remembered this was the first time we ever went to town together, and I met your brothers. Scary day for me hahahaha.I had road race in the morning and ended at 10. Since you had school, i decided to pick you up after that. Hehe, oink oink. you know i know okay baby.This photo means alot to me. I had the most crappiest 16th birthday thanks to MOE. I got held back in school till about 6pm cause of this oral thingy which didnt even concern us. Some friends of mine even forgotten my birthday. Yeap, it sucks. I didnt get to see my mum on my birthday cause she was working. But you made my day. Just by meeting me. It means alot to me. After my birthday, there wasn't any belated celebrations or whatever. So yeah, i treasured my night with you.This was when I accompanied you to the airport to send your aunt and uncle to Umrah. Hehehe.This was the second time we tonned together. Ahhh i miss those times.And this was during his birthday. Met up with his friends cause they bought a cake for him. I remember this date. It was 28 April 2010. Yeap, on our fourth month. Hehe we always have nothing to do on our monthsaries. So yeah, lepak bawah block times.You followed me to my friends picnic. I went to your house first cause you got school, and i fetched you.Ahhhh this is a day to remember right baby? One of the best day of my life. You slept over my house. Gosh, i want it again.Raya 2010 with my friends. Thank you for tagging along.Haha, when we just dyed our hair. This was on 14th November 2010. I remember it clearly cause it was just two days after my last paper. We went to the park. And met our cat. Heheh.This was when I met you at 6am. All the way till 6pm. Man, it could've been the whole day, as in till night. But its okay. This was when we didnt get to meet for a few days. And we met up and went to bugis. Since both of us had never been to Iluma before. HAHA so noob. But yeah, awesome day with him.Aha, and finally. On our first year anniversary. We finally made it right baby? A whole year with you was pure bliss. I wouldnt want anything more when I've got you. Alright i really really do miss him after seeing all these photos. Gosh. I really want to get out of this house, just to meet my favourite boy. I miss you baby. )': Tuesday, January 4, 2011 Hi. So i got grounded. For a very stupid reason. Very. Stupid. Now i cant meet my boyfriend.
But baby, where they knock you down and out Is where you oughta stay